Sunday, May 08, 2005

No news

I don't know yet what the results of my test are.

I went Friday for the ultrasound, and it showed that the lump (not that I can feel it, but I guess it is a lump) is a solid mass, not a cyst. I guess a mammogram showed that there's something there, but not the composition of it; an ultrasound can show more clearly what it's made of. Or at least that's how I interpreted it.

I don't actually know how this all works, whether the radiologist who reviewed the mammogram films had my whole file or not, but I mentioned to the ultrasound technician that I had had a biopsy on a lump in my left breast several years ago (I actually said it was about two years ago, but looking back, I can see it was almost exactly four years ago), and I got the impression that she mentioned that to the radiologist when she took him the ultrasound results.

She came back and said that it wasn't a cyst, but that it was probably the same mass that I had last time, since I hadn't actually had it removed. She said "probably" because they didn't have my full file to compare it with--she said my file indicated that the hospital still had my old mammogram films, plus their test results. So they're going to have to get the films and the rest of the file from the hospital, and compare them with the current one and see if they're looking at the same thing. If it is, then it's all well and good and everything's fine, I guess, since I already had that spot biopsied and it was benign.

If not, I don't know, I guess we start over.

I was telling a friend about it after I got back from the doctor on Friday night, and he said, "So basically they just scared you to death, and then left you hanging?" and I guess that's pretty much it. I'm not scared to death, but I suppose I'm a little bit worried. The thing that worries me the most is, if it's the same lump, where has it been for the past four years, you know? I mean, why hasn't anyone remarked on it before? And if they had my earlier films to compare it to, so knew it was nothing to worry about, why don't they have them now?

It's just kind of weird, but probably nothing to worry about. The technician said since it was Friday, probably nothing would happen until Monday. She said they would go over to the hospital and get the file, then call my doctor with the results, so I probably wouldn't know anything until mid-week.

I went out to see my mother today. We had lunch, then she and I went out and dug in the yard while Daddy did dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. I came home with a trunk-full of plants--a big hosta, some Bishop's Weed, a big clump of chives, and several different kinds of ground cover.

I didn't get everything put out, but I did finally pot the geraniums that I bought a couple of weeks ago, put the hosta in a big pot, and cleaned off the back porch a little bit. We have a maple tree, and the patio was covered with those little "windmill" seeds. I tried blowing them off the patio with the hose, but they stick, and since it rained today, we really didn't need a lot more water out there. I guess I'll let them dry and try sweeping them off. I picked up big handfuls of them and put them in a trash bag, but there are still millions of them out there.

I had another one of my multi-anxiety dreams last night. I dreamt that we were on vacation in Florida, and I decided to go walk on the beach, but after I'd been walking only a few minutes, I patted my pocket and realized that I didn't have my keys. Which made me worry that I hadn't locked the hotel door. I thought I'd better go back, and turned around and started walking back up the beach, only to realize that I couldn't remember where I'd parked the car. Or even what kind of car it was, since it was a rental.

At that point I thought, well, I guess I could just go back and walk on the beach some more, but no, I figured I'd better take care of the car/keys thing. As I reach the street, I see that there has been a car accident, and I worry at first that they've run into my rental car, but I finally find it--a cream colored SUV--and somehow, even though I didn't have my keys, I have the car keys, and I drive away.

And then I'm back in Kansas City, and it's snowing, and I can't figure out what highway I'm supposed to get on, and I can't remember how to get back to the hotel, and not only do I not have my keys, but I don't have my purse, either, so I don't have my phone, and can't call Bob.

Man. I just can't get my subconscious to give me a break.

previous | next


Liora said...

At least if it's the same one as last time, they didn't see a reason to remove it last time so I wonder if they'll just leave it alone. Either way, I hope you can find a way to occupy your mind in the next few days. It would be hard to wait.

Hate stress dreams! I wonder what our minds are accomplishing when they have dreams like that?

Willa said...

Dreams are so funny, aren't they? It's like my mind takes all those anxious thoughts and turns them into a little movie. I guess our brains never really shut down. Maybe making up dreams gives them something to do while we're asleep. :)

Sharon said...

Willa, I hate it when I have those dreams. I had a weird one Saturday night and it was about Nascar. We had watched the race on Saturday night. Then we went to bed and I dreamed I was in a car on the interstate with 2 Nascar drivers. I think Dale, Jr. may have been driving the car, but I'm not sure, and there was someone in the front seat with him, but I don't know who. I was sitting in the back seat with Jeff Gordon and he was turned around in his seat waving at all the cars that were either behind us or passing us by. They were both in their racing uniforms and not in their regular street clothes. I thought that was kind of weird, but I've had weirder dreams. Maybe I've been watching too many Nascar races.

I'll be thinking about you while you are waiting for your test results. Have you knitted in awhile? That always helps me when I'm going through stressful times. I've been knitting a pair of socks with some Opal yarn using your sock pattern that you shared with me awhile back.

Take care and let us know what you find out.

Anonymous said...

Willa, I'll be praying for the results to be negative for anything serious. In the meantime, while you wait for the results, you can find wonderful comfort and peace in
Psalm 91.


Arlyn said...

Those multi-anxiety dreams can be unsettling, can't they! I don't worry too much about them, though, particularly when I know I'm going through something difficult or stressful in my outer life. I think of the dreams as a little window into the laboratory where the necessary activity of my unconscious is going on as it works on adapting me to the events of my life. Not all of that stuff needs to be made conscious, any more than the workings of your liver do. I tend to trust that if your unconscious wants you to work with a symbol consciously, you'll be unable to forget it or bugged by it continuously in various dreams until you recognize it as a theme. Some percentage of unconscious content needs to stay that way. That's how we're made, after all. :-) Just mho.