Better than the alternative

This week has been hard for no particular reason. I started feeling depressed over the weekend and just decided to let myself feel it, and I would jump back in on Monday. I did, mostly -- I had work to do on Monday, and things to do, and I did them, but I'm still kind of struggling. It's something that I feel bad even mentioning, with all that's going on in the world, but like I end up saying a lot around here, it is what it is.

I went shopping for my mom yesterday -- she needed toilet paper, facial tissue, and cologne ("can you get me something that smells good?"), and then my sister and I went out and had lunch together, then went to Mom's apartment. She needed new batteries in her hearing aids, so my sister took them into the bedroom to work on them, and I was sitting in the living room with Mom. She would ask me a question and I would answer her and then she'd say "I can't hear you." She did it a second time and I just looked at her and then we laughed and laughed.

She wanted to watch coverage of the Texas flood, and I cried when the reporter asked a young mother in one of the rescue boats what she was worried about (which is always a stupid question, but I know they have to ask something) and what she said she was worried about wasn't her home (although I'm sure she was) but the fact that she had put her children in danger by waiting too long to ask for help.

My eyesight is getting worse and I need to do something about it, but I'm scared. My sister in Denver has some medical stuff going on and I'm worried about her. That's the reason I finally pulled the trigger on a new Macbook -- I was afraid that we were going to have to fly out there and if I had to stay more than a day or so I would need a computer, and the one I had was a piece of crap.

I'm constantly worried/concerned about my mom, and we have to do something about their house, and there's water in our basement and Bob saw a mouse in the garage the other day. I woke up in the night worried about having ordered a laptop case and I shouldn't have spent the money, but the one I bought at Target is crap, and will they let me return it without a receipt? And Dinah woke me up this morning at 6:30 by throwing up.

And politics. I tell myself that it doesn't affect me personally, so shouldn't have any effect on my mood, but of course, it does. 

I went to see my allergy/asthma doctor last week and I showed him a rash that I had on the back of my neck. He asked me all the usual questions -- had I changed shampoo or laundry detergent recently, etc. Then he asked, "Have you been under any stress lately?" When I told Bob that, he said, "You think?"

But:

• Going out to lunch with my sister
  
• Laughing with my mom
  
• Finally getting a new laptop.
  
• Last night Bob took me out to eat and I tried, but just couldn't get out of the black mood. So he took me home and went back out and came back with a piece of key lime pie for me because I said I thought I needed sugar. (I told him at dinner that I hadn't had any coffee today and he said, "Well, that was a mistake,")
  
• I won a gorgeous black leather tote bag in an Ebay auction for about 1/5 of the retail price. I actually don't begrudge that money at all -- I regret spending $21 on a cheap laptop bag at Target.
  

So I'm going to go put the flag out, and unload the dishwasher, and go out and buy Bob dental floss. And get on with the day because really, what else is there?

Bob's dad used to complain about getting old and Bob would say, "Well, it's better than the alternative!"

Stream of consciousness

Just a post to say that everything's okay, or as okay as it seems to be lately. I'm out at my Mom's as much as I can be, doing shopping for her, taking care of her business. I'm spending a lot of time paying bills and going through Dad's paperwork, and working with a financial planner to try to be a good steward of my folks' assets.

And we're trying to figure out how to handle getting the folks' house cleaned out, cleaned up, and sold, and it's such a huge undertaking that it's basically overwhelming.

I keep thinking that it's hard enough running your own life, let alone running someone else's.

My house is a disaster. When we were preparing for Dad's funeral, I hadn't planned on doing anything with photos, but Mom wanted them, so I went over to the old house and brought home all of the photo albums -- ALL of them, which was, I don't know, maybe twenty of them. I went through them and selected photos for the funeral and made a display, and now I've got all of those albums here. I don't really want to put them in the basement, because we have a water/humidity problem down there and I don't want to ruin them, but I don't have room for them upstairs so they're sitting in the hall.

And that's something else that's keeping me from working at the old house -- of course there are things there that I would like to have, but I have NO room here, and I think my sisters and brother are probably in the same situation. So we're going to end up selling or giving away everything. And my Mom thinks she might like to have some of the things from the house, but she can't remember what, and there's no way that we can get her over there to the basement.

Anyway, like I've said before, it's just life. This stage of life -- where we end up taking care of our parents -- isn't a whole lot of fun. I want Mom to everything that she needs and/or wants but I still have to be sure that it's the right thing for her, and the right thing to do. She would like to have a rocking chair at her apartment, and there is one at home, but I don't think they'll let her have it there because it's a safety risk, but I need to find out about it.

Now I'm overwhelming myself again and feeling upset. It will all get resolved and figured out, but sometimes it feels like a lot to handle.

Just a stream-of-consciousness update. More later.